That’s Right, We Bad!

Hey, you, walking down the street. See this dachshund over here? His name is Couper. You best stay away from him, ‘cause if you look at him wrong, he will kill you five times before you hit the ground. Is that a Rottweiler you are walking with? So what. See this other dachshund? Her name is Godiva. She has chunks of dogs like him in her stool.

Yup, we’ve adopted a new attitude here at the Poop. Seems that a study found that dachshunds are the most aggressive breed of dog. Other dachshund outlets are outraged at the news. Not here at the Poop. We are embracing our new #1 status.

Take that Pit Bulls. Go cower in a corner somewhere. Better yet, go in the kitchen and bake us a pie!

The study was done by the University of Pennsylvania and can be accessed for a fee. Thankfully, our friends at Discovery have summarized it for us. I will summarize the summarization:

Chihuahuas and Dachshunds scored higher than average for aggression directed to both humans and dogs, putting them towards the top of the list.

"There is some evidence that smaller breeds are more often the targets of aggression by other dogs," she added, "and small breeds, particularly Dachshunds, are more prone to injury due to rough handling by children, so this form of aggression among small breeds may be a learned response due to negative past experiences."

Of our two dachshunds, Couper does kind of fit the aggressive description. He is extremely protective and possibly would bite a person or dog thinking he was protecting his Mommy or Big Buddy. On the few opportunities he has had to be close enough to bite someone while being protective, he never has. And despite taking on bigger dogs in barking contests, he makes sure to hurry along on our walk the second he thinks the big dog may actually be heading towards him. On the other hand, he has lightly bitten both his mommy and me once. On each occasion it was when we were reaching for him when he was in a confined space and he was scared. It was stupid on our part and he reacted like a dog would.

Couper of course loses all aggression if you just hand him a toy. He goes from aggressive to pest ("Throw it again. Throw it again!!!"). I am not sure where that falls in the study.

Though Godiva likes to nibble on us and Couper, she is very good with other people and dogs. She has been great in Petsmart and was great when manhandled by her little human nieces (can little nieces manhandle? Kid handle? Let’s just say Godiva was not handled with kid gloves). Hopefully she is going to grow out of her nibbling stage (soon please!). At this point in her young life she is scared of her own shadow and of loud noises. One such noise is Couper’s barking. Rather than join in with him, she runs away. Hopefully she keeps a little of that. At this point aggression is not our biggest worry with her.

As far as other dachshunds we know, none is aggressive. In fact Couper and Godiva’s cousin Frankie is the mellowest dog I ever met. All he wants out of life is for his belly to be rubbed – all the time. When you stop rubbing his belly, he looks at you sadly, tries to get the rubbing going again, and failing that, falls asleep. If he weren’t almost 30 pounds, I would question if he had ever bitten his dinner, let alone a person or dog.

Strangely the reaction that we get from people when we walk our dachshund(s) isn’t that they are aggressive, it is that they are funny. “Look at the wiener dog!” “Wow, he’s a feisty little one, isn’t he cute, ha ha ha!!!” I understand it to a certain degree. I forget how small Couper is sometimes. One day I was driving home and saw Couper’s Mommy walking Couper. I was amazed from a different perspective not only how small he is but how fast his little legs pump to keep up on a walk. I kind of cracked up, just like people passing us in a car often do. One day I was walking Couper and we were coming up on a house where a dad was throwing a football with his kid. I was using my best Kindergarten training to keep Couper in line. We were about a house away from them when the father saw us and started laughing. He said to his son, “Hey, look, a wiener dog” and kept laughing. As we got to the house, he asked, “How old is your wiener dog?” I replied, “Five.” He said, “Really, five?” and started laughing again. To this day, I have no idea what his problem was. Maybe it was a Butthead moment (huh huh, he’s walking his wiener), but he really did not look the type. All I know was to him, Couper and I were hilarious. (I found it funny his 10 year old son couldn’t catch a pass; I stayed silent).

That was then. Now we have a new attitude:

What do you mean I'm funny? What do you mean; you mean the way I walk? What? Funny how? You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little (bleep)ed up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to (bleep)in' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny? No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the (bleep) am I funny, what the (bleep) is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!

So the next time you see a dachshund, you better show some respect. Now that we have gotten to number 1, we have no intentions of giving it up.

Hey, next door neighbors with one dachshund. Nice try, but our two will destroy your one not to mention your retriever and your puggle. You other next door neighbors with no dachshunds? You better run while you have the chance. We are now the dominant force on the block. In fact, we might get one more dachshund and rule the neighborhood. Maybe another after that and take over the nation. Five, and we could rule the world!!!